An Uncharted girl

I used to have this friend who, for their privacy's sake, I named the Uncharted girl. Her favorite game is Uncharted and I guess you could say she's a mystery to me as well... but anyways I've just been thinking about her often as of recently. She used to be a very good friend of mine who I really confided in. I met her through my ex. Her and his little sister were the two great things I got out of that relationship.
This girl was someone I told some really personal stories to, and she was there for me when I moved out of my previous living situations, with an old roommate into the ex's house and theeennn into the next place. She was there for me in a lot of sticky situations, and I really trusted her. I even had her design a tattoo for me (which I plan on getting for my 20th birthday if things go as planned). So, you know by now this really isn't going to be a post about how great our friendship is.
She, like many people in my life, hurt me so much. I built a relationship with this person, she and I would hang out after I moved away from her and my ex so I believed we could actually be friends. Until my ugh.. my ex went and had to pull some childish bullshit. He made her choose between being friends with me or having a relationship with him. (She is dating my ex's brother) So she decided to choose him over me. Which broke my heart. I got so close to her, I told her so many things... and got so close to her and she just dropped me. Just like that, it was just so easy for her to choose someone who didn't even like her- look this is not the point. The point of this was to say how much I really miss her and how I wish she would have just stood up to him. She could have said hey dude I'm 25 I can choose who I want to be friends with, it's wrong for you to do this to me because I care about both of you guys. Sigh.. trust me I can understand to some extent about how she wants to make sure to have a good relationship with her man's family.. but to let a dude tell you how to live your life just grinds my gears..
She and I used to watch American Horror Story together, we wouldn't watch it without the other.. and I still haven't watched any.. it's been quite awhile. If you're reading this Uncharted, I don't hate you I just really miss you and wish you had just chose me. But it's cool, people do this to me all the time.
-L3

Long summer days

We all know days in summer are longer and the sun stays out because we go through daylight savings.. but this post isn't about time change or really the summer itself. I'm just really missing my man, summer days seem even longer without him by my side. His voice when he calls me is like a glass of water after you've been walking in the Vegas heat. I seriously cannot wait until I can be with him again. I remember the night he left and I just didn't want my time with him to end, I cried so much when he was heading towards the door. I know I sound dramatic but anyone who has been in a relationship with someone where the feelings are just so heavy would know how I feel.

I guess it's worse for me right now because he is my boyfriend and my best friend. He's all I have right now, if you read my previous post you know I don't have many friends.. so this summer is just going to be super tough. I know once I see his handsome self I'll just turn into a puddle. Meaning I might just start crying.. I'm not sure yet what my reaction will be but all I really do know is that seeing him will be the highlight of my whole summer. Just being able to see him smile in front of me, to feel his soft skin touch mine.. would just be so amazing. If I could just hold his hand right now I think I could make it the rest of the summer. It's just so hard not to miss someone you can't go one minute without thinking about them. 

I miss seeing his perfect smile, his beautiful brown eyes, his hair he cares so much about, everything really.. distance is so hard. But I love him so much, and I just want him to be happy. I have to keep reminding myself not to say how much I want him here, because I don't want him to feel bad for leaving. He deserves to be happy and to do something this great. I am so proud of him, and I want to support him every step of the way... i feel like I'm rambling so ... deuces :P

-L3

Frosted Flakes

Something I have gotten used to over the years, but still hurts every time it happens is having friends continuously flake on me. But me being the most forgiving person in the whole world lets go. The thing is that there has to be a point where you just become a door mat. I don't have many friends right now for a reason, I no longer want to be a door mat. Don't get me wrong, I can understand certain situations where plans have to be canceled.. but stringing me along saying you will be here is just wrong and I don't deserve that.
This has happened wayyyy too much.. not to mention people just walk out of my life like I don't matter. Let's just say, I don't have the greatest experiences with people and friendships. For most of my life people have just skipped out on me. I thought after some time went by that people would grow up or at least be decent... I couldn't be more wrong. Well as of now I see myself friendless.. with the exception of my roommate and boyfriend. I just don't understand what I do to deserve this crap in my life. Like did I sign up for this shit list? Because I really don't remember.
Whatever, it's life. You lose friends.. in my case you lose pretty much all of them. But I know this will make me a strong and more independent individual. So screw it. I really hope I can make more friends soon, as pathetic as that sounds.
-L3

Another sleepless night

Well this is a night like any other I've had this summer.. a night where I stay up later than I should. Thinking.. like what is my whole purpose in life. I, just like many other teenagers/college students.. am just trying to figure out where I fit in this world. And once I find where I belong.. then what? I die and it's gone? What's the point exactly? (This is not going to be some religious bs, I really don't wanna get into that again,)
I catch myself wondering, who do I belong with? Am I supposed to go through life with a partner? or alone..? What will I do with my life? Will I have a career, get married, and have kids? Or will I die young? Will I be a drifter? So many questions I just want answers to.. What's the point of building a life for myself if it all will end one day? And.. I just don't see the point in life itself. Not in a suicidal way, but in all honesty I really don't get it.
So a person who grew up with religion, like me, was taught that the purpose of life was like a huge exam. To prove yourself pretty much.. but now that I let go of religion.. does life really have no meaning without a religion behind it? Hm..
Then I think about my current relationship, am I supposed to be with this person? Will we last? (I hope so, I don't really think I'm making a mistake. I'm just questioning everything at this point) I am very conflicted. I don't want to live a life with no purpose or meaning.
                                            .                    .                    .
This is unrelated... but I just want to put this out there because it made me extremely happy. My father called me today and we talked for awhile catching up. I'm not going to get into the details of why I don't get to talk to him all the time. But, he said something that really touched my heart and it brought me to tears on the phone. I didn't tell him about my relationship with my current boyfriend only because we have a history, not a very positive one you could say. So I was waiting for a good time to tell him about it, but my mom told him about it which bummed me out because I wanted to tell him myself. Anyways, he told me that he supports the relationship I have with my boyfriend.. and he just wants us to be happy. Oh good lord I'm tearing up typing this.. but it means so much because one my parents NEVER supported us as a couple, AND my dad is so unforgiving. He will hold a grudge for a looonnng time. It just makes me so happy that he is willing to get over the past and support my happiness. Because he just never did when he and I dated before.. My dad is just awesome and I love him so much. He always does things for me to just be happy.. even if that means getting over something he doesn't necessarily want to... I have a great dad, I miss him so much. Well I should be getting to bed soon.. bleh..
-L3

Vodka Blues

Being a young and stupid teen, of course I got my hands on alcohol ... annnnd I got to the point in a relationship that I just drank my feelings. Which I know, would lead me down a dark road. (I decided to stop drinking entirely not only because it's ILLEGAL but because I was drinking far too much) But I was in a long relationship, in which this person supplied me with alcohol and was the person who got me to drink in the first place. So I had an endless supply of alcohol pretty much. Which, an emotionally unstable young girl shouldn't have access to. I couldn't possibly blame another person for this, trust me the blame is all on me. This isn't a blame post. Like I've said before, this blog is kind of a form of therapy for me.
This is hard for me to admit but, I need to put this on the table. I drank not too often but.. When I did I over did it. I drank sometimes until I got sick.. if you have ever gotten drunk when you're sad or lonely you understand what I'm about to say. I was so depressed I would talk about dying. I would be so down on myself and remind myself of all the terrible things that have happened to me, or that I have done, even mistakes I have made. Crying became the norm when I decided to drink. It's pathetic, I know.
Involved in a relationship I knew, in my heart, I didn't really want just forced me to drink all the pain I had away.. well that was what I had hoped would happen every time. An escape... but it never worked out that way. It just made me a sloppy, sick, and sad drunk girl.
I knew I was getting to the point of no return, becoming an alcoholic. Which I really didn't want, pft who the hell really does right? My family has a bad history with addiction, so I refused to travel down a road most traveled. So once I went to a friend's birthday party, I quit drinking cold turkey. I promised myself I would not drink until I was old enough and emotionally stable. (Mind you, I am only 19 at the moment. It's really bad I went through this kind of problem at my age.. but anyways..) If you know me and ever invite me to go drink or have some kind of alcoholic beverage you want to offer me, remember this post... I don't need the temptation.
You might be thinking, if you are older than I, what does she know? She is hardly old enough to understand the real struggles of addiction.
Yes, I am young and a little naive about this. But I knew when I told myself I need to drink.. I was becoming something I never wanted to be. Sure I've never experienced things most alcoholics would, but ... I really don't know where I am going with this..
Okay, I may not have struggled with the addiction but this is just me getting something off my chest and explaining to anyone who asks me to drink the reason why I don't. Here it is.
What I gained from this whole situation is that yeah life's a bitch and I can't just call it quits because oh woe is me. My life sucks blah blah, I need to do something to make myself happy, not try to drown my sorrows in poison.
-L3

Warped Tour, and those people..

It's that time of year again, warped tour seasonnnn! If you live under a rock and don't know what warped tour is... it's a music festival. Buuuut I am so excited for warped this year, the line up is amazing. I saw that the line up included Bullet For My Valentine, Falling in Reverse, Good Charlotte, Issues, Sleeping With Sirens, Sum 41, and Set it Off. Those are just a few of the bands I'm stoked to see.
Warped tour is a broke alternative teen's dream. Only because its 45 bucks for a ticket and you get to see so many groups. Not to mention you have the possible chance to meet your favorite bands. It's great. Let me just pause, and say that on my list of bands I want to see one day is Bullet For My Valentine. They were one of the few bands that got me into the music I love today. And finally after 6 years I get to see them. IM SO EXCITED!!!
But something I am not so excited about is the different kinds of jerks you can bump into. There are...
1. The whiny fan girls... not the majority of fan girls that just get excited to see their favorite band. But the ones who complain about the wait or well.. anything really. Everyone here has been in the heat, and is sweating. Shut up.. no one likes that girl who claims to love the band and can't put up with the wait or the heat. (when these girls crowd surf, be sure to let them fall) lol
2. Metal Snobs- this is a term I made up, these people are the ones who judge your music. Popular quotes being, "They're not even that hardcore." or "You guy's are so annoying why do you like this shit." They're especially annoying when they are in a crowd of people who are seeing the band they think is so terrible. (These are the type of people that care too much about their "metal" image)
3. Shades- these are the shady ass people who try to steal things from you. They reach into your bag or touch your pockets.. hate these people. My first warped tour someone stole 20 bucks from me... and that was for food... so I had to ask a friend for money to help me out. Sucked so bad.
4. Moshpit Makers- self explanatory.. the guys who bump into you or punch you even though you didn't join the damn pit. -__-
5. General Stupid People- you know the people that know its going to be really hot outside and don't hydrate or bring water. Orr the people who drink monster/sugary drinks all day and eventually pass out and have to leave because they don't know how to properly hydrate. JUST DON'T COME IF YOU DON'T HYDRATE YOU LOOK STUPID PASSING OUT IN A CROWD.
6. Crowd Surfers- ARE THE WORST WHEN YOU'RE ME. Some people should just not crowd surf, they're too big sometimes... like.. dude don't crush us.. And other times I just get kicked in the head. So damn annoying.
.... I don't think I can come up with more things right now but I'm sure there is.
But warped tour is just an amazing experience and I would highly suggest that if a band you like is on the line up just go. You can make friends, listen to some great music, discover new bands you may like, and some good food as well. I know I'm looking forward to it, as I do every year.
See you in the pit.
-L3

Self Improvement

Well I just feel the need to write about this, I have come to the point in my life where I want to reevaluate the decisions in my life.. One of them being getting into a (soon to be) serious relationship when I was 14. I became one of the most annoying girlfriends in the history of girlfriends. I was, at least I feel, too young for such a serious commitment. I should have grown up more and .. well yeah grown up more before being so involved. I don't regret anything at all, don't get me wrong, I was in a relationship with him for about 3 years for a reason. All I'm saying is that we would have had a much better relationship if I would have waited a year or two.
We could have avoided so much if we had waited to figure out what we really wanted.. All I wanted at that point in my life was the teenage vampire romance crap. I was insecure, emotional, afraid, closed off, dramatic, selfish, and all around not fit to be having a relationship. Another part of that issue, that wasn't really in my control, was because of my parents. They didn't allow me to date so ... I would sneak around just to see my boyfriend. Things just shouldn't be so hard in a relationship. The simplest and one of the most important things in a relationship is to see each other. As 50%  of that relationship I wasn't even meeting that simple requirement, and yet I still hung on for dear life. Which wasn't fair to him, that's where the selfishness comes into play. Being so young and getting so serious, I held on too much.. meaning I wasn't ready to be alone. I grew too used to having him around and didn't want to go through high school not having someone there with me. Whether he was my boyfriend or just a best friend, I just wasn't prepared to be alone. Which is sooo messed up. Never go into a relationship not being able to just do your own thing. That is a HUGE reason why I failed at the relationship. Relationships are a give and take kind of deal, like a scale. You both have to lift equal amounts for things to work, you both have to give something to the relationship in order to take something. Things wont work out if one side continuously gives while the other takes; when things are like that one side of the scale is just down to the floor while the other is just too high.
But thank God I get the chance to give it another try with this amazing guy. Even though the relationship we had was just really bad,for more reasons than I discussed, we fell in love with each other and here we are. Words don't really do my feelings any justice. The way I feel and have felt about this guy have just never changed no matter how bad things got between us. Even when we were no longer dating or even talking to one another.. I couldn't make myself stop loving him.
Not the point of this post. I just think its beneficial to look back and evaluate the things I've done wrong and just move on. ... this was a therapeutic kind of post sorry to bore anyone reading :P
-L3